Negative Self-Talk: Strategies to Break Free Once And For All
I’ve been hustling, connecting with early-stage teams and putting a bow on my coaching certification. (ICF, here I come!)
A huge highlight was being invited as a guest on the Build Your SaaS podcast to discuss the powerful impact that collaborating with a coach can have on businesses — and individual lives. (Listen here.)
While I've been busy hustling, I've also made it a priority to look after my mental well-being: weekly sessions of coaching AND therapy, reading fiction (!!!) books, and disconnecting from work to soak up the sun and spend quality time with the fam.
Because what’s the point of having freedom and flexibility in my work if I can’t enjoy views like this, or visit my kids’ school in the middle of the day to hold a bearded dragon?
ANYWHO.
Today, I’m bringing you an entire edition dedicated to a topic that shows up in nearly all of my coaching sessions — whether it's with an overwhelmed founder or a struggling team member:
How do I stop my negative self-talk for good?
Your inner voice has been with you since you were born. It’s been your constant companion, with you 24/7.
Over the years, it’s shaped your perspectives and influenced how you feel about yourself.
At times, this inner voice can be a supportive friend that helps you sort out your thoughts, weigh your options, and plan out your future.
But for many people, their inner voice is more foe than friend.
When our internal voice takes on a critical tone, which we commonly refer to as "negative self-talk," it has a sneaky way of making us doubt ourselves and dampening our spirits.
A negative inner voice makes it that much harder to create a great life.
Good luck catching lightning in a bottle when your mind is telling you it’s impossible.
“You don’t stand a chance.”
“No way you can hack it.”
“Don’t choke, don’t choke, don’t choke.”
I’m over it, and I’m sure you are, too.
Today, I’ll break down the five common challenges people face when dealing with negative self-talk and explore proven strategies to transform that inner critic into an empowering voice.
A voice that believes in you and pushes you to achieve your dreams (instead of run from them.)
This edition of the newsie will break down the following:
Recognizing negative self-talk as an automatic reflex
Identifying and catching negative self-talk in real-time
Understanding the vicious cycle of negative self-talk
Comparing how we treat ourselves versus how we treat people we care about
Overcome the challenges of practicing mindfulness and meditation
Because, by overcoming negative self-talk, you’ll gain greater control over your mindset and pave the way for a happier, more confident, and successful version of yourself.
Okay, let’s dive in.
Challenge #1: Negative self-talk as a reflex
“I just can’t help it.”
”These thoughts just pop into my head.”
”It’s like my mind is on autopilot.”
”I don’t even notice when I’m doing it.”
For some folks, negative self-talk has become an automatic reflex that seems to occur without conscious effort. This can make it feel like they have no agency to address the issue, like their thoughts are beyond their control.
But not so!
You are not your thoughts.
To fight the reflex, we need to explore how to catch the thoughts when they happen.
Challenge #2: Difficulty catching negative self-talk
“It’s hard to catch myself in the act.”
”By the time I realize it, I’ve already been beating myself up.”
How do you battle negative self-talk if you don’t know you’re doing it?
Many of us struggle to recognize when they’re engaging in negative self-talk. The thoughts often go unnoticed until they’ve already taken a toll on our emotional and mental well-being.
The first step to beating this reflexive pattern is to know when it’s happening.
And you absolutely CAN build muscle around becoming aware of your thoughts and stopping them before they hijack your entire experience.
I’ll show you how.
Whenever you catch yourself engaging in negative self-talk, take a moment to pause and acknowledge the thought. This simple act of awareness can help disrupt the automatic nature of negative thinking.
Action items:
Reminders: Set phone alarms to remind yourself throughout the day to check in on your thoughts and be aware of any negative self-talk.
Tracking: Carry a notecard or a piece of paper with you, maybe in your pocket. Each time you catch yourself having a negative thought, add a small mark on it. This quickly reinforces self-awareness and helps you keep track of your progress.
Friend: Enlist the help of someone you trust to gently point out when they notice you engaging in negative self-talk. We all have blind spots, and an outside perspective can help us become more aware of our own patterns.
Okay, onto the next piece of the puzzle: transforming those thoughts into something more positive.
Challenge #3: The vicious cycle
“The more I try to stop, the worse it gets.”
”I feel guilty for thinking negatively about myself.”
”It’s like I’m trapped in this endless loop.”
For some, attempting to stop negative self-talk can lead to a vicious cycle where they judge themselves harshly for having these thoughts in the first place.
This added layer of guilt and self-criticism only exacerbates the problem.
In order to break free from it, you’ll need to stop that vicious cycle in it’s tracks. Here are some proven ways to do that.
Action items:
Self-compassion: Remind yourself that it’s common to have negative thoughts from time to time. Instead of judging yourself for having these thoughts, approach them with curiosity and a willingness to learn from them.
Positive intent: Everything we think, feel, and do has a positive intent, even if it’s difficult to identify at first. (More on that here.) Try to understand why the negative thought has arisen. Perhaps there is an underlying fear or insecurity that needs to be addressed.
Reframing: Reframing involves changing the way you perceive a situation or thought by looking at it from a different perspective. By reframing your negative self-talk, you can transform it into a more constructive and compassionate internal dialogue.
And now onto the next challenge, which I hear nearly every day from clients.
Challenge #4: Being harsher to yourself vs. those you care about
“I’d never say these things to a friend, but I say them to myself.”
”Why am I so hard on myself?”
”I don’t know why I can’t just be kinder to myself.”
Ever notice you treat yourself with far more criticism and negativity than you would ever dream of directing towards a friend?
This harsh treatment can lead to low self-esteem, which is a direct threat to your growth.
You need to believe in yourself if you’re ever going to achieve grand dreams, or even just live your life the way you want to live it.
When you start replacing negative self-talk with empowering and supportive thoughts, you'll find that your confidence grows, allowing you to take on challenges and pursue your goals with newfound enthusiasm.
In turn, this shift in mindset will enable you to live a more fulfilling and authentic life, where you're no longer held back by self-imposed limitations.
Action items:
Friend test: Whenever you catch yourself engaging in negative self-talk, ask yourself, "Would I say this to a friend?" If the answer is no, then it's a clear sign that you need to reframe your thoughts and treat yourself with more kindness and compassion.
Evidence. Write down a list of positive things you’ve done in the past — achievements, statements from people you’ve worked with, or anything else that comes to mind that supports positive beliefs. Recalling these regularly can help shift your mindset and encourage more self-compassion.
Positive journaling: Take some time to write about your dream life and empowering beliefs in the present tense. Daydream about how you want to live, feel, and think, and then write them all down as if they’re already real. This helps bring all of that positivity into the now.
Now, onto the biggest action item everyone recommends for dealing with negative self-talk: meditation.
But what happens when you think you’re no good at it?
Challenge #5: Struggling with mindfulness and meditation
“I just can’t seem to get the hang of meditation.”
”It’s hard for me to be present and mindful.”
”I’ve tried meditation, but my mind just keeps racing.”
Mindfulness and meditation are powerful tools in combating negative self-talk, but nearly everyone struggles to incorporate them into their daily lives. It's a skill that takes time and practice to develop.
That’s why they call it a meditation practice, right?
It's essential to understand the following:
There's no right or wrong way to practice meditation. You can’t be good or bad at it.
Instead, the focus is on being engaged or detached from a thought.
When meditating, your primary goal is to gently disengage from each thought as it arises.
Whether 1, 10, or 100 thoughts pass before you disengage, that's perfectly fine. Your task is to unhook each time you become aware of a thought.
As you progress, the process of unhooking becomes more natural, and you'll find yourself disengaging more frequently. Embrace this gradual improvement and allow it to build upon itself, ultimately enhancing your mindfulness journey.
Action items:
Accept: Any practice is good practice. If it’s 2 difficult minutes or a 20 formal minutes of sitting practice, celebrate the small wins in building your muscle disengaging from thoughts.
Start small: It’s easiest to start with a short practice (even 10 seconds) and build up over time. I usually recommend adding a minute or two every few days. There is no right or wrong answer, just what works for you.
“Casual” meditation: Additionally, remember that mindfulness isn't limited to formal meditation sessions. You can practice being present and aware in everyday activities, such as while eating, walking, or even doing household chores. By incorporating mindfulness into your daily routine, you can gradually train your mind to become more present and less prone to negative self-talk.
Celebrate: It’s common to start feeling more calm and centered even after just a few days of meditation. Take note of how you’re feeling and give yourself credit for any gains.
Anchor: Think deeply about a time you felt truly centered and peaceful. At the same time, touch a spot on your hand or arm. Repeat that process ~3 times to create a strong anchor for that state. When you have negative thoughts, touch the same spot to tap into your desired state. This will teach your brain to access that more easily and on demand.
Meditation isn’t necessarily ever easy, but it’s still helpful to fighting your self-talk.
Wrapping up
When I find myself struggling with a critical inner voice, I know I can’t just power through it. Nothing good will come from trying that approach. It’s like spinning my wheels.
Instead, I need to pause and focus on resetting my mindset.
Everyone experiences negative self-talk. What sets some people apart is their ability to recognize these thoughts and effectively escape their hold.
You, too, possess the power to liberate yourself from the clutches of negative thinking and cultivate a healthier, more positive relationship with yourself.
Just keep in mind:
Transforming your mindset requires time and persistent effort, so be patient with yourself and acknowledge your progress along the journey.
When you achieve milestones, take the time to celebrate your accomplishments and the strides you've made in overcoming your inner critic.
Stay strong, and believe in yourself. I know I do.
You got this. ✌️
All the best vibes ✨
