The Unexpected Upside of Unwanted Behaviors
Contributing to their future success through coaching is a gift I don’t take lightly. I’m loving our deep talks about how to overcome obstacles to reach their goals and, ultimately, their potential.
Some convos are personal, some are work-related, but all are better served if we create the space to truly remove any interference.
And, on that front, today's edition is on a topic that's come up often in recent sessions. I'm sharing it with you in the hopes you can benefit from it, too.
How can I break free from unwanted behaviors that cause me pain?
Does this ring a bell?
You're trying to quit doing something that's causing you pain, but no matter what, you can't seem to shake it off? You're stuck and you don't know why.
Well, it's because that behavior is actually helping you.
It boils down to this:
Everything we do has a positive intention.
Human brains were created with one mission in mind: survival. And so everything the human mind does is geared toward protecting us.
Have you ever stopped to think about how sophisticated that cranial motherboard is? It works incessantly to keep us safe. It’s downright remarkable.
You might be thinking, “Yes but I hate that I can’t stop doing this annoying thing. I want to improve my life but I keep getting in my own way. My brain isn’t cooperating.”
Well…
Even unwanted behaviors or thoughts are trying to protect us in some way.
The question is from what?
Defining the Unwanteds
Many things can be unwanted: thoughts, behaviors, emotions, beliefs, etc. Let’s break them down with some examples.
Thoughts: “What if I mess up my children with my parenting style?”
Behaviors: Staying in bed when the alarm goes off, even though I'd planned to go to the gym this morning.
Emotions: Frustration and resentment over a coworker’s short response to a project I spent hours putting together.
Beliefs: “I am not disciplined enough to start my own business...”
It’s hard to imagine these have a positive intention, but they do.
Here’s how we figure out what the positive intention might be and then rework them to serve us in a way we do want.
Reframing the Unwanteds
What we try to do with anything unwanted—a thought, belief, behavior, or emotion—is to reframe it.
This won’t solve a problem directly, but it serves to open your mind to new ideas and opportunities to solve the problem. It creates flexibility in your thinking. Once you accept that meaning really is of your own making, you are free to create whatever meaning you want.
Flexibility is where the real shift happens.
You’ll get new information and insights, and that’s what you need in order to do the work.
Step 1
Figure out how your unwanted is trying to serve a positive intention.
To identify the positive intention behind this behavior, ask yourself questions like:
What do I gain from this behavior?
What value does this behavior give me?
It can be difficult to imagine unwanted behaviors having positive intentions behind them, so I’ll give a simple example.
A person dislikes when they yell at their children when getting them ready for bed. They wish they could enjoy a peaceful evening with their family, but they are irritable after work and let out the worst of them onto their kids when they won’t listen. They want to be kind, but they yell, instead. Trying harder isn’t working.
What could they gain from this behavior? Being understood. When it seems like the kids aren’t listening, they resort to yelling to feel understood by everyone in the room.
Step 2
Think of new ways to serve that positive intention.
Now that you’ve identified the positive intention behind the unwanted behavior, you can find other ways of achieving that same goal that you truly do want and that align with your values.
To brainstorm this, ask yourself questions like:
If there were other ways of accomplishing this positive intention, would I be interested in discovering them?
How else might I serve that positive intention?
Which ways might I gain the same positive intention that I do want?
If this parent wants to feel understood, there must be other ways to accomplish that goal without yelling. This person comes up with a few ideas:
They could write out the nightly routine on a big piece of paper and hang it where everyone can see (like teachers do at school).
They might communicate clear boundaries and consequences around not listening and following through with what needs to be done at bedtime.
They could turn the nighttime routine into a game of sorts, like a race to see who could finish it all fastest.
After evaluating the options, this person decides to try all three and see which works best.
How this plays out in my life
For clarity’s sake, and because I’m honestly a big ol’ open book, let’s walk through two examples from my life—one simple, one more complex.
Picking at my cuticles: I’ve tried to stop this habit for years, but it’s been difficult. I recognize what I stand to gain from this, though: it protects me from stress. In a moment of awkwardness with another person, this behavior gives me something else to focus on, to “fix” instead of the discomfort I feel. To replace picking at my cuticles, I’ve decided to try two things that will help reduce my stress and discomfort: taking deep breaths (difficult to remember) and rubbing a piece of shirt in between my fingers (easier to remember, keeps my fingers busy). It's worked! My fingers look beeyootiful. 💅
Procrastinating what scares me: I recognize that I don't prioritize doing the things that scare me. I'm currently procrastinating recording a video for LinkedIn. When a task like that intimidates me, procrastinating protects me from the failure and humiliation that may come along with it. To avoid those negative outcomes, I'm replacing procrastination with getting feedback on the video before I publish it. That way, I can sidestep the failure and humiliation while still reaching the people I want to reach.
What are your Unwanteds?
We all have unwanted thoughts, behaviors, beliefs, emotions. You can likely think of a handful off the top of your head.
They may be as simple as not cleaning up the kitchen after dinner or as complex as being overcome with emotion when receiving feedback at work.
Whatever they are, I invite you to take a deep dive to reframe them as something you truly do want in your life.
Use these questions to get started:
What is an unwanted state you struggle with?
What might be it's positive intent? What do you gain from it?
And what other ways can you serve that same goal?
And remember:
Your brain is trying to protect you. Leverage that to create thoughts, beliefs, emotions, and behaviors you do want.
You got this.
All the best vibes ✨
